I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
