Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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