if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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