i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
