I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
