My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
