yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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