I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
