Just fell off a train. Bad.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
