My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
