My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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