You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
