youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
