Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
