So drunk its hurt
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
