I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
