You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
