I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
