I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
