Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
