my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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