Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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