I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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