I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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