Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
