We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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