you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
