Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
