She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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