I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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