my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
