It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
