My friends, they love my intelligence
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
