I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Are my feet made of real feet?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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