Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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