Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
