She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
