It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
