oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
