oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
