can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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