She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
