Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
