I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
