I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
