i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
