I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
