I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
