Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
