I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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