i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
