he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
