can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
