Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
