Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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