You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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