I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
