I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
